BOOMers, it’s a challenge we face every November/December during the Season of Justifiable Over-Indulgence.
We know (with rare exception, and I’m jealous of THOSE people) we’re likely to add a pound or 10 to our weight.
Putting it on is effortless. We continuously seek an effortless way of ridding ourselves of the Holiday Chub and that can be tough and even dangerous.
At the end of this muse I will offer a foolproof weight loss program. First, let’s examine some of the popular shortcuts, like so-called “fad diets”. Ever try one of these?
The Cabbage Soup Diet. Step into 1980s nostalgia with seven days of cabbage soup—boiled with onions and tomatoes in an aroma reminiscent of sauerkraut and soggy pets. Every meal is soup: breakfast greets you with it, lunch adds a dish of existential dread, and dinner arrives as a greenish, accusing slime. Supporters claim you’ll shed ten pounds, but most of it’s water weight and the rest is your will to persist. Bonus: loved ones might intervene when your breath rivals subway fumigation standards. By day five, plain toast seems gourmet. Spoiler alert—the lost pounds return swiftly, accompanied by a metabolism ready to stash away every calorie. And nobody wants to visit your home because .. the smell. You’ll look great-briefly- but be very lonely.
The Grapefruit Diet. What’s healthier than burning your throat with citric acid before each meal? This plan from the 1930s pairs half a grapefruit and protein, bans carbs—and enjoyment. Supposedly the enzymes “melt fat,” though what actually melts is your stomach lining. People report dreaming of bagels while their tongues turn numb. One participant claimed a twelve-pound loss, eight thanks to her dissolving enamel. Tip: keep antacids handy for peak regret.
Paleo—Bench-Pressing Mastodons. Eat meats, nuts, and berries, but skip grains, dairy, and fun. Never mind that real Paleolithic humans ate whatever they could find and rarely saw forty. Modern Paleo fans grill steaks and wear kale loincloths, balancing the cost of groceries and protein-induced constipation. Ironically, archeologists found evidence ancient people ate bread—so much for primal living.
Keto, Butter Bonanza. Force your body to burn fat by avoiding carbs. Breakfast becomes butter-infused coffee, lunch is bacon wrapped in cheese, and dinner features steak in hollandaise. Test strips turn purple, showing you’re “in ketosis.” Early results include fast water loss and energy sparks, but soon come brain fog, “keto breath,” possible gallstones, and friendships limited to cauliflower rice support groups. Success stories often end with regaining more than lost after a stray pretzel.
Intermittent Fasting, Scheduled Starvation. Eat only between noon and 8 p.m. Mornings are fueled by black coffee and frustration. Advocates praise cellular cleaning (autophagy), critics note hangry partners and increased therapy expenses. Your dog learns to hide snacks.
The Cotton Ball Diet. It’s real—soak cotton balls in juice and swallow them for zero calories and maximum hospital visits. A true contender for a Darwin Award Dieters.
Exhibit H: The Baby Food Diet. Adults spoon pureed veggies at work to chase health, as touted by celebrities, while dignity disappears.
Have you ever downed some Gerber’s as an adult? You’ll better understand why some tykes close their hangers to the “airplane”. Yuk.
All these diets have common threads: strict restriction, short-lived benefits, and inevitable rebound. They prey on hope, not science. Science told me a swill of apple-cider vinegar would help curb appetite and burn fat. The rest of that bottle is around my house somewhere along with the Poison Control Hotline number.
Viagra was originally developed as a treatment for high blood pressure. Soon, men noticed a welcome side effect. Many men burn fun calories using this medication.
In a similar vein, Ozempic was originally created as a treatment for type 2 diabetes. It is also used to help lower the risk of certain heart or blood vessel problems in adults who have both heart disease and type 2 diabetes. Like Viagra, Oh-Oh-Oh Ozempic had an interesting and popular side effect- weight loss. Substantial weight loss.
Ozempic has been great for helping people live their best life with diabetes- and insurance covers it for that purpose. However- and I looked into it- $400 to $1300 per month if prescribed for weight loss. Too rich for me.
As Ozempic’s popularity soared, so did news of unpleasant side effects. Unlike Viagra’s original side effect (more sex), the big O has produced “Ozempic Face” (pictured). It takes fat from everywhere, including cheeks and chins which gives the face a hollowed-out, pre-decomposition look.
More recently, reports of “Ozempic Feet” (pictured) have surfaced as odd flaps of skin show up on the feet.
The foolproof weight loss program I referenced earlier? “True weight loss occurs naturally when the number of calories burned exceeds the number of calories consumed”. Boring, tough but it works.
To each his own I say. Whatever works for you. But there’s one last side effect to Ozempic you should know about.
Unless it’s prescribed as a necessity you may find yourself suffering from Ozempic Bank Account!
Oh Oh $0 point 0!
Happy Thanksgiving my BOOMer brothers and sisters.
Greg Budell has lived in Montgomery for 20 years. A 50+ year veteran of radio, TV and writing, Greg hosts the Newstalk 93.1FM Morning Show with Rich Thomas, Susan Woody, and Jay Scott, 6-9 AM Monday – Friday. He returns weekday afternoons from 3-6 PM for Happy Hour with Pamela Dubuque and a variety of sidekicks. His favorite topic is life!
Greg can be reached at gregbudell@aol.com.