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DATING Coach: I think I want my ex back

Dear Lisa,

I met the greatest guy online. He contacted me. I noticed online that he didn’t post a picture but he did send pictures in his initial email to me. We’ve been talking nearly a month and we just have so much in common. It feels like we’d never run out of things to talk about.

He travels almost every night during the week so he often calls me from his hotel and we talk until the wee hours of the night sharing the stories of our lives that day. I look forward to those calls and miss them when they don’t happen.

He rarely calls on the weekends and sometimes we’ll be talking and his phone suddenly disconnects and when I call him back, it goes right to voice mail.

I feel myself really falling for him and I really want to meet him but he skirts the issue when I bring it up. What can I do to get him to this stage?

_Diane

 

Diane,

I hate to break it to you but it sounds like you are dating a married man. The tell tale signs are…No picture online but willing to send it in an email. He doesn’t want his wife’s single friends telling her he’s online cheating on her.

He calls from hotels because it’s safe … he won’t get caught. The question to ask yourself is…does he call you when he’s not travelling and if not …why not? Probably because he’s married. He rarely calls on weekends. He’s with his significant other who probably keeps him busy. Calls drop off suddenly. Chances are his wife is walking in the room. Have you ever asked this man if he’s divorced or widowed? Does he evade your question …changing the subject to special qualities he’s noticed about you? If he can’t give you a definite “I am single” response, then consider letting him go. The chances of him leaving his wife for you are slim to none. You will be the one sitting at home always waiting for him to call. And ultimately, this will break your heart. Consider letting him go then get back online and start dating real men you can meet in the flesh after a couple of emails and calls. Meeting face to face is the only way you’ll know if you are a potential fit for each other.

 



Dear Lisa,

About two months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend. I just felt it wasn’t a place I wanted to be 10 years from now. But I really miss him and my heart feels so touched when he writes or texts me. He says the most beautiful things to me that just make my heart long for him.

I am thinking of going back with him but would love some insight into whether or not this is smart to do. What do you think?

_Alison

 

Alison,

The time of healing after a breakup can feel so lonely. Your life has changed from being part of a couple to being single again and it’s a huge adjustment. However, there is a reason you broke up with him. In fact, you mentioned part of it in your letter, writing, “I just felt it wasn’t a place I wanted to be 10 years from now.”

There is a certain safety about an ex. And after a break up, as time passes and you are alone, you forget what was so irritating about him. You have a tendency to only remember the good. Do yourself a favor. Sit down and write a list of all the ways your ex annoyed you. Then when the texts and emails from him show up …take this list out so you can get perspective on the reality of the situation, versus the fantasy running in your mind.

Find things to do that make you happy, whether it’s going out with friends, taking a class or babysitting for a grandchild. I don’t believe in quickly replacing the ex for someone new. Take the time to heal. You don’t want to bring those strong emotions into the next relationship. Plus, you usually attract the same type of person when you haven’t done the healing work.

Over time, when emotions cool down you can try out a friendship situation with your ex; something that’s very common with men and women our age. In the meantime, consider asking him not to contact you. Tell him you are in the process of healing and just need some time alone.

I know this is a difficult time but unless you think whatever broke you up has changed …you are going to probably find the same issues still there.

And chances are … they’ll show up again as soon as the honeymoon of trying again ends.

 

Lisa Copeland, “The Dating Coach Who Makes Dating Fun and Easier after 50!” Find out more at Findaqualityman.com
(c)2014, Lisa Copeland, findaqualityman.com
Distributed by MCT Information Services

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